A thought occurred to me the other day. I have never really been on my own. These days it goes without saying that I can’t even go to the loo in peace but I have never lived alone, I went from living with parents to staying with friends and then moving in with boyfriends. Never any real amount of time on my own though..

..and I have never been a childless adult.

I hear people talking about their lives before they had their babies and I can’t relate. Growing up with 4 younger siblings, I have always been around children. I was 18 when I found out I was pregnant with Col.

Starting early

I have always maintained that I loved being a young Mum – and I did. Despite the hoards of people telling me I wasn’t ready I was never in any doubt that I would continue with my pregnancy back then. I wasn’t living a great life when I discovered that I was going to be a Mum. I was doing unhealthy things with unhealthy people. Having a baby changed me and it saved me. In ways that 18 years on I am only just now realising.

Being a Mum at 18 meant a lot of sacrifice though. I didn’t have very much money so I relied on my family for a lot. But I loved my baby deeply and completely. The first night together I just sat and stared at him in all of his perfection for hours. Of course I look at baby photos of him now and, well, lets just say he definitely grew into his face.

But me starting this chapter early also meant that everyone else did too. My Mum was 37 when she became a Grandmother. 37! The same age that I am right now. I can’t imagine becoming a Grandmother now!

Her Mum was just 61 when she took on the role of ‘Great Grandma Grumps’. Lucky really given that she was taken from us just 8 years later.

What I am trying to say I suppose is that I have not ever wanted to go back and make a different choice. I have no regrets.

What about me though?

Wondering about what sort of a person I would have been had that pregnancy test come back negative is okay though, I think? Contemplating choices and thinking about where different ones might have led me?

In the 18 years since becoming a Mum and an adult though I have also learnt so much about myself. I love to write. Its therapeutic to me to get things down in black and white and it helps to clear my head for a little while. That is definitely something that has happened in adulthood.

I have built a little stay at home business out of something I genuinely enjoy doing. I’ve learned that I enjoy making people smile while I sometimes prefer to feel sad. It makes a person more interesting I think if they don’t feel the need to wear an inane grin the whole time. Embracing my melancholy side has been a difficult thing to do but I think I am there. I like to have my family around me, I definitely do not enjoy camping holidays and I am not a natural gardener although I am trying to get better. My musical tastes are varied and I use music a lot in my day to day. I don’t feel much different to that girl I used to be really – except now I say no and don’t feel badly about it (mostly).

The point is that I think that I would essentially be the same person had I given myself time alone to be me. Just a bit more rested and with a few more zeros on my bank balance perhaps.

I will be 51 when Moose is 18, I wonder who I will be then.

“You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth”

Each week I like to (try and) link up to a series called Living arrows which is about celebrating childhood. You can find out more here

We are in school hols mode for sure. The first photo this week was taken at our local country park where we went for a walk with family. I am so lucky to have strong friendships with my siblings and a truckload of nieces and nephews. I really enjoy it when we can get the kids together and let them have a bit of free range quality time!

The second photo this week is of Moose at a maze. It is a pop up at our local garden centre and he enjoyed it but I’m not sure how tempted he would be to have another go – I think it took him a little longer to navigate than he expected.

“You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth”

This week was the children’s last one in their current years at school. Moose will leave reception and Bess will be finishing year 8.

In September Bess will begin her GCSE’s. It used to be a 2 year course but this year her school have decided that it should be spread over 3 years. Hopefully this way of doing things will work to her advantage! She wasn’t phased by having to pick her GCSE subjects but when she heard that instead of being accepted for her choice of Italian, she was being assigned Geography. Well, let’s just say that she was a little upset..

This pic was taken on the day she found out and she really was gutted about it – hence the brooding. She went to her Italian teacher the next day to explain why she wasn’t happy and was thrilled to hear that it had been an admin error and that of course her Italian teacher would welcome her into her classroom. Phew!!

To celebrate the end of their reception year, Moose and his classmates had a drive-in cinema experience. They were assigned family homework a few weeks ago which was to make a cardboard car for the drive-in cinema. Moose quite liked this although I maintain that it was actually a homework designed for us, the parents. Some of the other cars were awesome but Moose was so happy when he won the prize for the boys! (between you and me, his dad was pretty chuffed too!)

“You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth”

Bess went along to the Peterborough Pride march and Carnival Of Love last weekend. It was a celebration with a turnout of more than 1000 people and Bess really wanted to go with her friends. I love how happy she looks in this photo, she said it was a really awesome day and that she utterly loved the experience. Any occasion which encourages acceptance and love in these troubled times is, in my opinion, to be encouraged.

Moose has been out in the garden enjoying the sun this week. I took this pic while he was playing with his Dad. I believe he was instructing him to fill up the paddling pool here.. He got his wish of course.